Four years ago, I left my role as a Hospice Bereavement Manager to launch a private practice as a Grief Counselor & Educator. Due to the collective experience of loss in our communities, business is booming.
My analysis of what is currently happening in our nation is not based on news sources or political affiliation, but on the personal stories I listen to as part of my daily work. We are hurting and broken as a society. Profound suffering is being shared in viral videos not just from nations over there, but from our country right here. Many caring citizens are choosing to look away from our current national humanitarian crisis because the overwhelming sense of helplessness is too distressing. One response to situations that feel out of our control is disengagement. Another response that enables us to stay engaged in difficult moments is to grieve.
I could fill a book with all of the misunderstandings about grief that have been internalized by recent generations of Americans who grew up learning that grief is pain, and pain is managed by avoidance. Let’s start with realizing that grief is not the source of pain. Loss is the source of our pain. The loss of anyone or anything that feels essential to our wellness can immobilize us. Grieving, the innate response to loss that is hard-wired into every human being, offers a path forward through overwhelming experiences. When we do not grieve in response to the reality of our losses, we are stuck in pain, and that becomes suffering.
Grief is a noun. It’s all the things we think, feel, and express in response to any significant loss, not just death loss. (The word death is not even included in the dictionary definition of grief.) Living with grief can be difficult, overwhelming, and distressing. However, grieving is a verb. It is action. It is the opposite of passively enduring pain. Grieving helps us accept the reality of loss in our lived experience and in the lives of our fellow citizens. It expands our capacity to hold joy and sorrow, care and concern, hope and despair at the same time. Grieving is something we can do that utilizes agency, strengthens resilience, and increases empathy as we turn to face the uncertainty of our times.
Grieving is the superpower we need right now because it enables us to turn towards one another’s suffering with the confidence that we can carry the personal cost of bearing witness to each other’s lives. And we must bear witness because truly seeing each other in pain is the foundation that can bridge divides and ultimately heal us.
I find hope in my daily engagement with the burden of loss in weekly grief support groups that I facilitate. Every group I host is made up of people who would not cross paths in a meaningful way in their daily lives. There are stark differences among members regarding religious beliefs, political affiliations, cultural influences, sexual orientation, family demographics, education, careers, personality, and age. And yet, when you gather a group of unique individuals in a space where grief can be talked about and held with vulnerability, nonjudgment, and compassion, the room becomes a sacred space where differences fall away, and our shared humanity is the only thing that really matters. There are also a lot of tears, a healthy amount of swearing, and so much belly laughter. Because grieving doesn’t teach us how to live with sadness, it teaches us how to live as human beings who can connect deeply to one another, not in spite of loss, but because the experience of it is universal.
Grief does not weaken us. When we understand grieving as a life skill that can be learned and developed, it is one of our greatest strengths. Leaning into our collective grief is a resetting breath that our communities and our country need right now. It is how we can tend to our own emotional needs and be engaged with the needs of our neighbor. We don’t have to choose. When we grieve, we can do both.